Another Louisiana Embarrassment, What a Surprise

Whenever Louisiana makes national news, you just know it's going to be bad. It's always something that makes us look like the slack-jawed inbreds that we are, like the headline:

Police Search for Phantom Snuggler at LSU.

Yes, you read that correctly. Years ago, Louisiana State was terrorized by the Phantom Snuggler, who would creep into women's apartments and... snuggle. Listen to the tale of horror from one of the victims:

Freshman Kaylin Spence says she woke up last Sunday to find the intruder in her bed trying to embrace her.

"I woke up with a guy with his arms around my waist and realized that was not right," Spence said on ABCNEWS' Good Morning America. [...]

"Finally, I said, 'Who are you? What are you doing?' He's like, 'I'm Steve. I said, 'I don't know a Steve.' I said, 'Get out, I don't know you.' He said OK and got up and left," Spence said.

The. Phantom. Snuggler.

A mysterious fiend so awkward and gay that Scooby Doo didn't want any part of it. "Ruck your Scooby Snacks. Roo people are rucked up!"

And that brings us to Steven Seagal, Lawman. Seagal is getting sued by a woman who claims she was hired as a production assistant for him and was subsequently kidnapped and sexually harassed for days in his Lafiite home until she made a daring escape.

By calling a cab.

Traumatized, frightened and emotionally scarred, this young lady vows to bring this terrifying rape-crazed lunatic to justice.

By suing him for one million dollars.

Needless to say, Seagal's boss, Sheriff Newell Normand is taking the position of, "Hey, you know what would be neato to go along with your accusation of rape? Some fucking evidence. Or at least coming in and making a statement - ANYTHING. Until then, shove off, golddigger."

Oh, but there was a crime committed here, alright. A crime against decency. A crime against humanity. A crime that will sear itself into the annals of a state overburdened with embarrassing headlines.

That crime was perpetrated by a young lady who gave us the visual image of Steven Seagal peeling off his sleeveless maternity kimono to reveal his lumpy, misshapen nakedness while growling "it's not a job, it's an adventure!"