The Empire of Jeff Newsletter



Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Conflict Resolution - FOR KIDS!

Let's get one thing out of the way, up front.


Now, it may not be the best or most appropriate solution for every application, but you cannot argue with its effectiveness.  Let's look at some past situations that our friend Violence has helped others out with through time:
  • That dipshit from the next cave hogging all the women?  SOLVED.
  • Pesky Messiah riling up the Gentiles and giving them airs?  SOLVED.
  • Taxation without representation gettin' on your fucking nerves?  SOLVED.
  • Jews pissing you off with all that "existing peacefully" shit?  SOLVED.
  • Some German motherfucker killing all the Jews in Europe?  SOLVED.
  • Osama bin Laden giving you the blues?  SOLVED.
Works EVERY time.  Like it says in The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries:

"If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it."

But before you go getting all excited, kids, this article isn't going to teach you how to use violence to solve your problems.  For one thing, violence is simple, and you'll either figure it out for yourselves, or some other kid is going to show you by example.  Probably by solving one of HIS problems.  Meaning, YOU.

We'll start with a true story.  A story that happened to me this morning, involving my son, The Heir a.k.a Il Duce, Hey,Boy!, and Dammit, Son!

Pictured:  The Golden Child

Now lately, The Heir has been having problems with another boy at school.  Let's call him Roger.  And the problem Roger presents, well... let's say it's of this nature:

Disclaimer:  Not to scale. William Zabka does not pose a threat to children.  At least, children not competing in the All-Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament. 

Now, having been a paid purveyor of violence in my 20s, I have prepared my son for that inevitable day when he's going to face a choice:
  • Be the bigger man and Walk Away.
  • Sweep the Leg.

Yeah! Better get him a body ba-
I mean, umm... good job, son!

Now, it's one thing to prepare yourself mentally and physically for conflict, kids.  It's another to osoto-gari one of your classmates into the coma ward for the next 10 years because you threw him on a concrete sidewalk.

Part of growing up is realizing that while violence will solve your problem, it is not the ONLY solution.  And most of the time, it is definitely not the optimal solution.  You may find that although you've solved one problem, you now have a new problem.  And that problem's solution might just involve plastic wrap, duct tape and a shovel.

Would violence solve The Heir's problem?  Undoubtedly.  Would that create another problem?  A problem that might get dad sentenced to a federal pound-you-in-the-ass penitentiary?  That, kids, is a definite non-zero possibility, which is way outside my comfort zone as a parent.  So let's talk this shit out instead of going directly to DEFCON 1, okay?

As my son is a confident, strapping boy, Roger is more of an annoyance than a threat, but physical retaliation has landed The Heir in some tepid water at times.  Therefore, we've been working on his communication skills so he can find alternative resolutions to this mild bullying.  And today, my efforts were about to pay off.

As I was fixing breakfast this morning, I notice my boy writing something.  I asked him what it was.

"I'm writing a note," he said.

"Oh, really, son?  To whom?"

"I'm writing a note to Roger."

"That's wonderful, son.  I'm glad to hear that you're using your words and reason to work out your problems with Roger.  What does your note say?
"Dear Roger,

You are going to DIE."

Okay, that's not really what Dad had in mind, but it's a start.  Gotta learn to crawl before we can run, right?

Next week, kids, we'll discuss the difference between "talking things out" and "communicating a threat" which is something Officer Friendly likes to call "a felony".

Have a good week and play nice!