The Empire of Jeff Newsletter



Tuesday, May 25, 2010

In Which Jeff Shits on Your Taste in Music

Yeah, that's right: Fuck the Beatles.

I said it, and I meant it. It's time for all baby-boomers, douchebag retro-hipsters and general-purpose nutriders to face up to one of life's cold, hard facts.

The Beatles were a shitty band.

Look, I've heard all the arguments before about how I'm too young to understand the "importance" of their music, and how "pioneering" they were. They sucked, okay? They were not accomplished musicians. Their lyrics were simple, treacly dreck. And that's just the songs I hated the least, during their early period.

Eventually, you dumbasses put them so high on a pedestal that they started to believe they could do no wrong. Not that they didn't test you - I mean what the FUCK was Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band all about? They were fucking with you. I mean, get your head out of your ass - "Yellow Submarine?" They let fucking Ringo sing it, and what did you do? You drove it to number 2 on the charts, and then demanded that they make a fucking animated movie out of it!

No wonder they continued to smoke crack, crank, coke, PCP, heroin and whatever else they could get into their bloodstreams - it's not like anybody was going to call them on their shit.

Let me explain to you why your opinion is wrong. Your entire love of the Beatles revolves around one central argument: "They were the pioneers of rock, man! They influenced so many bands that came after them." Well guess what - your grandpappy thought the Model A Ford was a wonderment of modern machinery, but do you see anybody besides Jay Leno driving one around? And why do you think that is? Because it's a rickety piece of monkey shit, just like the Beatles.

Hey, you know what's better than having to walk everywhere and carry all your shit on your back? NOT having to walk everywhere and carry all your shit on your back. But you know what's even better than THAT? Driving with fucking air conditioning and satellite radio. When the Beatles were all you had, I could have understood, even tolerated your excitement. We've got options now. Quit trying to get me to listen to your fucking Betamax music. We're up to BluRay - are you hep to the jive yet, Gramps?

And no, John, I can't Imagine all the people, living life in Peace. It might be a little easier to Imagine if you hadn't been, you know, murdered. And not that Lennon deserved to die, but let's take a look at what his fans had to say about his murderer becoming eligible for parole: 6,000 signature petition against it. How many of these same libtards signed a petition to release convicted cop-killer Mumia Abu Jamal?

See where this is going?

Individually and collectively, musically and politically, the Beatles appeal to the worst segment of our society: liberals. From John Lennon's naive bullshit to Paul McCartney's prissy-assed "thanks" to the American people "for voting for Senator Obama." You know what Sir Paul? Go fuck yourself with a broken Rickenbacker. While the people of Nashville are busting their asses to rebuild their lives and the people of Louisiana wait and watch as a black tide of oil suffocates a vital seafood industry, Paul McCartney is going to be getting his dick sucked by the Leader of the Free World.

That right there should tell you everything you need to know about the Beatles. If fucking Obamateur the Incompetent likes them, they can't be worth a shit.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Oh, HELL no...

What the FUCK are some people thinking?

Dude, seriously. I saw the video of Nick Berg being beheaded by a bunch of goatfuckers and I was pissed, but the idea of someone being beheaded, while savage, just wasn't as disgusting as The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

In this movie, an evil German surgeon kidnaps two female American tourists and a Japanese ne'er do well and, well... sews one girls mouth to the Japanese guy's asshole and her friend's mouth to her asshole.

Like. A. Human. Centipede.

Hilarity ensues when he feeds the guy in front (who is, there's just no other way to say it, the LUCKY one in this scenario) and waits for nature to take its course.

And take its course again.

And presumably, take its course again, but by now, wouldn't you too jaded to be fascinated by the sight of someone just pooping, without it being... erm, recycled again?

Seriously, fuck you, John Osterlind of the 99.5 FM drive-home show, for letting me hear just the part where you mention "That movie, The Human Centipede", but nothing else, causing me to go home and say, "Hey, that sounds interesting. Wonder what that's all about?" No, fuck you, man.

Time to make the best of this, though, and come up with some alternate titles that may alleviate at least some of this uncleanliness. Here goes:

Two Girls, One Jap

DeGrASSi to Mouth: The College Years

I Know What You Ate Last Summer