The Empire of Jeff Newsletter



Sunday, September 5, 2010

Let Me Set The Record Straight

I never said that people with peanut allergies should be killed. All I said was that they should be rounded up and sterilized or confined to camps before they infect the rest of us with their America-hating, racist bullshit allergy.

Probably some explanation is in order.

You've probably heard of peanut allergies, and how exposure to peanuts can cause a person to go into anaphylactic shock and DIIIEEEE!!! What you probably haven't heard is how powerful and controlling the Anti Peanuters are.

When we lived in New Orleans, my son had a child in his Pre-K class that had a peanut allergy. As a result, no one in his class was allowed to bring a PB&J sammich to school. Sure, we grumbled, but I guess it seemed reasonable - little kids will swap lunches and next thing you know, your kid's trying to give Little Johnny an emergency tracheotomy only he can't, because it's Pre-Kindergarten and DAMN YOU, BLUNT SAFETY SCISSORS! DAMN YOU!!!!

Our girls didn't have any such restrictions at their school, so we didn't think anything more of the matter - it was probably just a one-off, right?

And then we got to Canada. Don't even think of bringing peanuts or peanut-containing foods to school. You know what else, comrade? While you're at it, don't even bring any foods to school that have been processed in plants that had peanuts anywhere in them. Oh, but don't worry, our racially pure snack foods have these helpful, well... let's call them armbands to help you identify which treats are allowed and which aren't.

Pictured: Ethnic Cleansing

Now, what about the other snack foods? Are they made to wear some type of identifying mark, like a star or something so you know they contain peanuts? No, they don't. At least... not yet.

Right about now, you're probably wondering, "Well, yeah... I guess... but this is a pretty serious medical condition, Jeff. Shouldn't we be sensitive to the danger they face?"

Maybe so. Or maybe we should be asking ourselves why do people with peanut allergies hate our troops? Look, I served, damnit, and I know for a fact that every one of our fine warriors is issued a gas mask with a nerve agent antidote kit, containing three sets of auto-injectors. You got your 2-PAM chloride and you got your atropine, so when you get a lungful of nerve agent and start doing the Kickin' Chicken, you can jab yourself in the ass and get some relief.

What's the immediate treatment for symptoms of peanut allergies? An injection of epinephrine: also a chemical-sounding substance. What you don't see is anyone walking around with an auto-injector kit of epinephrine stapped to their thigh. And why is that, do you think? Fucking pinkos.

But let's say war isn't your thing. Let's say you're a liberal. Would it interest you to know that peanut allergy "sufferers" are some of the virulent racists ever to darken this continent's doorstep? Oh, yes!

All you have to do is crack a history book to look at who invented the peanut in the first place - George Washington Carver - A KNOWN BLACK MAN.

I find it a little too convenient, don't you? They could have attacked other ethnic groups for the produce they've invented, like the dagos with their eggplants or the filthy micks with their potatoes, but oh ho-ho-ho NO! They zero in like a fucking racist laser beam on the only fruit black folks managed to assemble out of molecules and shit at the Tuskeegee Institute right before hopping into fighter planes and fighting World War II for their second job. I mean, holy shit! That's a two-fer.

Can't decide who you hate more, Anti-Peanutters? Our troops or our blacks? Then fuck it, right? JUST HATE OUR BLACK TROOPS THEN, YOU SONS OF BITCHES.

Well I'm not going to just sit here and wait for them to come for me. Wait a minute, yes I am. I'll be sitting here with a bottle of Scotch and a case of Payday bars. You're pretty tough at the school board level. Let's see how brave you are against a man with no pants and the peanut farts. I'll be waiting.