The Empire of Jeff Newsletter



Sunday, April 11, 2010

Fuck you, Chevrolet.

I guess that newly developed speedometer technology was kicking your R&D team's ass as late as 2005, because here I am on I-10, doing at least 70, with the speedometer pegged at zero.

I'd have loved to get pulled over.

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

"Now how the fuck would I know that, Officer? Look at the shitbox I'm riding in. It's five years old. Speedometers don't last that long, so quit harassing me, pig! BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!"

And then I would speed off. At least I think I'd be speeding, but how could I be sure - MY FUCKING SPEEDOMETER IS BROKEN.

And another thing for all you brand-humping NASCAR fans: the only, and I mean the ONLY thing Jeff Gordon and his "Number 24 Chevy" have in common with your shitkicker Silverado with the lame-ass decal of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo, is that they both have the same stupid "bowtie" logo on the hood. There isn't a damn thing made by Chevrolet in "stock cars." Those are handmade, million-dollar machines. Think about that as you carefully place the decal that reads "CHEVY" across the top of your Camaro's windshield, which already identifies itself as a Chevy ON EVERY SIDE OF THE FUCKING VEHICLE.

And who wears a fucking bowtie, anyway? And what kind of double amputee would tie it so ineptly that it would look like Chevy's stupid logo?

And another thing about that bowtie - Louis Chevrolet, the founder of this shitty company, took the design from the wallpaper in a French hotel room. On the Gay Scale of 1 to Richard Simmons, that's about a Lance Bass rubbing oil on Ryan Seacrest's back. Hopefully, you just swallowed your Skoal Bandit. And if that story's not true, then it oughta be, because nothing's gheyer than sitting around a French hotel room, admiring the wallpaper.

And before you start asking the obvious question - "Well, how come you have a Chevy?" let me just tell you. It is the first Chevy I've owned. It's also the last. The difference between me and Chevrolet is that I learn from my mistakes and don't repeat them. Chevy's been making the same shitty cars for 100 years AND THEY WON'T FUCKING STOP! Just when it looked like GM might go bankrupt and lance this boil on the ass of the automotive industry, our asshole president bails them out.

There is no justice.


  1. Well done sir and let me be the first to congratulate you on building the internet version of your Empire.
    Funny shit man - whenever I see your stuff at AoSHQ I more times than not laugh my ass off. And seeing you bring the hate down on a trolls head is a thing of beauty.

  2. OK, still trying to compose myself after reading the "Skoal Bandit" line... Good stuff

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